those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i love accidental penises.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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