I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
