The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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