my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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