Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
