:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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