Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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