Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
