I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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