Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
