I think my fart just growled at me.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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