So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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