During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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