My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
