Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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