I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
