Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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