Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I believe in your delicious
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
