so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
