When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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