I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
