I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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