Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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