While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
