Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
