We're facebook friends in real life
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
