I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
