She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
