this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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