I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
