he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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