I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
