clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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