did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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