I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
