ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
