i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
