I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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