Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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