He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
