it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
