I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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