A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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