OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
