I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
