ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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