he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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