There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
