she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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