get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I think people are normalizing furries
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
