She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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